1 #!/usr/local/bin/perl -ws
9 print "\nWelcome to quote_serve\nType help for help\n\n" ;
27 # print STDERR "Quitting 2\n" ;
34 $cmd = $prev_cmd or next ;
45 print STDERR "No command found\n" ;
49 $func = $disp_table{ $cmd } ;
53 print STDERR "Unknown command '$cmd'\n" ;
57 $resp = $func->( $_ ) ;
62 print "\n$num: $resp\n" ;
77 print "\nquote_serve: "
86 pid prints out process ID
87 yow prints a random Zippy line
88 insult prints a random Shakespearean style insult
89 help prints this help text
97 return "my pid is $$" ;
102 return $yow_lines[ rand @yow_lines ] ;
107 $word1 = $insult_list1[rand @insult_list1] ;
108 $word2 = $insult_list2[rand @insult_list2] ;
109 $word3 = $insult_list3[rand @insult_list3] ;
110 $word4 = $insult_list4[rand @insult_list4] ;
112 return "$word1 thou $word2 $word3 $word4!" ;
122 q(Behold thy mirror),
132 q(Grow unsightly warts),
134 q(Hear this pox alert),
135 q(I'll see thee hang'd),
137 q(Lead apes in hell),
138 q(Methinks you stinks),
139 q(My finger in thine eye),
141 q(Quit not thy day gig),
142 q(Remove thy ass hence),
143 q(Sit thee on a spit),
145 q(Swim with leeches),
146 q(Thou dost intrude),
147 q(Thy mother wears armor),
148 q(Trip on thy sword),
150 q(Why, how now putz),
151 q(Wipe thy ugly face),
332 @yow_lines = map {s/^\n//; $_} split /\
\0/, <<'YOWEOT' ;
333 A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
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334 A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
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335 A GRAM?? A BRAM... A GROOM... A BROOM... Oh, Yeh!! Wash the
337 ...A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit!!
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338 A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
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339 A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
340 LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
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341 Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
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342 After this, I'm going to BURN some RUBBER!!
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343 After THIS, let's go to PHILADELPHIA and have TRIPLETS!!
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344 AIEEEEE! I am having an UNDULATING EXPERIENCE!
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345 ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!
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346 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
347 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
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348 All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
349 grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
350 ... Although I don't know WHY!!
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351 All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
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352 All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
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353 All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
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354 Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
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355 Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
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357 ..Am I in a SOAP OPERA??
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358 Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
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360 America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
361 your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
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362 An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
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363 An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
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364 An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
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365 And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
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366 ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
367 RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
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368 Are BOTH T.V.S on??
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369 .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
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370 ..Are we having FUN yet...?
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371 Are we live or on tape?
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372 Are we on STRIKE yet?
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374 Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
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377 Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??
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378 Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
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379 Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
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380 Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
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381 Are you still SEXUALLY ACTIVE? Did you BRING th' REINFORCEMENTS?
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382 As a FAD follower, my BEVERAGE choices are rich and fulfilling!
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383 As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
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384 Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!
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385 Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
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387 BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
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388 Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
389 But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
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390 BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
391 ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
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392 BEEP-BEEP!! I'm a '49 STUDEBAKER!!
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393 Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
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394 BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
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395 BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
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396 ... Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!
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397 .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
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398 Bo Derek ruined my life!
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399 Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
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400 Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
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401 BRYLCREAM is CREAM O' WHEAT in another DIMENSION..
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402 But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
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403 By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..
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404 C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER
405 BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the
406 soundtrack from "OKLAHOMA"!!
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407 CALIFORNIA is where people from IOWA or NEW YORK go to subscribe to
409 Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
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410 Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
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411 Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
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412 CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
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413 CHUBBY CHECKER owns my BUILDING!
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414 Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
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415 Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
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416 Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
417 Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
418 Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
419 JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
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420 CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
421 DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
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422 Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
423 UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
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424 Could I have a drug overdose?
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425 "DARK SHADOWS" is on!! Hey, I think the VAMPIRE forgot his UMBRELLA!!
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426 Darling, my ELBOW is FLYING over FRANKFURT, Germany..
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427 Dehydrated EGGS are STREWN across ROULETTE TABLES..
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428 Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
429 in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
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430 Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
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431 Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
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432 Did I SELL OUT yet??
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433 Did we bring enough BEEF JERKY?
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434 Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
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435 Did you GAIN WEIGHT in th' past 5 MINUTES or am I just DREAMING of two
436 BROCCOLI FLORETS lying in an empty GAS TANK?
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437 Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
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438 DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
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439 Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
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440 Didn't KIERKEGAARD wear out his TIRES in VIENNA during a SNOWSTORM of
441 FREUD's unpaid DENTAL BILLS?
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442 Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
443 straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
444 and devalue the dollar!
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445 Dizzy, are we "REAL PEOPLE" or "AMAZING ANIMALS"?
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446 Do I have a lifestyle yet?
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447 Do I hear th' SPINNING of various WHIRRING, ROUND, and WARM
449 Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
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450 Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
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451 .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
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452 Do you need any MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation?
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453 Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
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454 Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
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455 Does that mean I'm not a well-adjusted person??
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456 .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
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457 DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
458 Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
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459 Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
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460 Don't SANFORIZE me!!
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461 Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
462 .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
463 BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
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464 Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
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465 Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
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466 Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
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467 Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
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468 Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
469 or a disaster Movie!!
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470 ..Everything is....FLIPPING AROUND!!
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471 Everything will be ALL RIGHT if we can just remember things about
472 ALGEBRA.. or SOCCER.. or SOCIALISM..
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473 Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
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474 Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
475 survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
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476 FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
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477 Feel th' WHIRLING BUFFERS buffing away all that stress...
478 Years of ROAD TAR gently washing away...
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479 Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
480 faculty dining room.
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481 FIRST, I was in a TRUCK...THEN, I was in a DINER...
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482 FIRST, I'm covering you with OLIVE OIL and PRUNE WHIP!!
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483 First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
484 So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
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485 FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH!!
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486 Fold, fold, FOLD!! FOLDING many items!!
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487 FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
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488 Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
490 FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
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491 FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
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492 Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
493 my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
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494 ...Get me a GIN and TONIC!!...make it HAIR TONIC!!
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495 Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
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496 Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
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497 Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
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498 GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
499 to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
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500 Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- When will I EVER stop HAVING
502 HAIR TONICS, please!!
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503 Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
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504 Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
505 -- I'm living for today!
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506 Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
507 Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
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508 Have my two-tone, 1958 Nash METRO brought around..
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509 .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
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510 He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
511 XEROX him... XEROX him --
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512 He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
513 inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
514 like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection
515 to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
516 I should call AL PACINO!
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517 HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
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518 HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
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519 Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
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520 HELLO, little boys! Gimme a MINT TULIP!! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!!
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521 --Hello, POLICE? I"ve got ABBOTT & COSTELLO here on suspicion of
523 Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
525 Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
526 INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
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527 Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
528 World War III? No thanks!
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529 Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
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530 Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
531 my urine sample bottles..
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532 .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
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533 Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
535 Here is my refrigerator full of FLANK STEAK...and over there is my
536 UPHOLSTERED CANOE...I don't know WHY I OWN them!!
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537 Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
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538 HERE!! Put THIS on!! I'm in CHARGE!!
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539 Hey!! Let's watch the' ELEVATOR go UP and DOWN at th' HILTON HOTEL!!
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540 Hey, I LIKE that POINT!!
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541 Hey, LOOK!! A pair of SIZE 9 CAPRI PANTS!! They probably belong to
543 Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
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544 Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
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545 Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
546 drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
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547 Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
549 Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
551 Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
552 ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
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553 Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
554 POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
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555 Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
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556 HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
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557 HOW could a GLASS be YELLING??
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559 How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
560 It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
561 SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
562 HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
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563 How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
564 PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
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565 How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
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566 How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
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567 .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
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568 HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
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569 HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
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570 Hydraulic pizza oven!! Guided missile! Herring sandwich! Styrofoam!
571 Jayne Mansfield! Aluminum siding! Borax! Pedal pushers! Jukebox!
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572 I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
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573 I always liked FLAG DAY!!
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574 I always wanted a NOSE JOB!!
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575 I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
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576 I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginsberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
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577 I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
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578 I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
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579 I am having a CONCEPTION--
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580 I am having a pleasant time!!
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581 I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
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582 I am KING BOMBA of Sicily!..I will marry LUCILLE BALL next Friday!
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584 I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
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585 I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
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586 I call it a "SARDINE ON WHEAT"!
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587 -- I can do ANYTHING ... I can even ... SHOPLIFT!!
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588 I can see you GUYS an' GALS need a LOT of HELP...You're all very
589 STUPID!! I used to be STUPID, too..before I started watching UHF-TV!!
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590 I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
591 I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
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592 I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
593 LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
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594 I decided to be JOHN TRAVOLTA instead!!
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596 I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
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597 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
598 just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
599 .. to sell more numbers!!
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600 .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
601 LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
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602 I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
603 in my rear molars..
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604 I don't think you fellows would do so much RAPING and PILLAGING if you
605 played more PINBALL and watched CABLE TELEVISION!!
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606 .. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
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607 I feel better about world problems now!
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608 I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
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609 I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
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610 I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
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611 I feel partially hydrogenated!
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612 I feel real SOPHISTICATED being in FRANCE!
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613 .. I feel.. JUGULAR..
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614 I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
615 of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
616 the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
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617 I FORGOT to do the DISHES!!
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618 I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
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619 I guess we can live on his POT FARM in HADES!!
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620 I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
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621 I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
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622 I had pancake makeup for brunch!
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623 I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
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625 I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
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626 .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
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627 I have accepted Provolone into my life!
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628 I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
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629 I have no actual hairline...
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630 I have nostalgia for the late Sixties! In 1969 I left my laundry with
631 a hippie!! During an unauthorized Tupperware party it was chopped &
633 --- I have seen the FUN ---
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634 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
635 .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
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636 I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
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637 I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
638 JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
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639 I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
640 every day from Oral Roberts!!
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641 I HIJACKED a 747 to get here!! I hope those fabulous CONEHEADS are at HOME!!
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642 I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
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643 I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
645 I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
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646 I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
647 your life savings in yeast!!
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648 I invented skydiving in 1989!
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649 I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
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650 I just bought FLATBUSH from MICKEY MANTLE!
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651 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
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652 I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
653 But now I can't remember WHO he is...
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654 I just had a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!
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655 I just had a NOSE JOB!!
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656 I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
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657 I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
658 with my LEISURE SUIT!!
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659 I just put lots of the EGG SALAD in the SILK SOCKS --
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660 I just remembered something about a TOAD!
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661 ..I just walked into th' HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES with fourteen WET
662 DOLPHINS and an out-of-date MARRIAGE MANUAL...
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663 A KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
664 COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
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666 I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
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667 I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own
669 I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
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670 I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
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671 I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
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673 I like the IMPUDENT NOSE on that car.. Are you a TEEN-AGER?
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674 I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
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675 I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
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676 ... I live in a FUR-LINE FALLOUT SHELTER
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677 I love FRUIT PICKERS!!
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678 --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
679 I fed the cat. - Zippy''
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680 I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
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681 ..I must be a VETERINARIAN..
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683 I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
684 six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
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685 I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
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686 I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
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687 I OWN six pink HIPPOS!!
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688 I predict that by 1993 everyone will live in and around LAS VEGAS and
689 wear BEATLE HAIRCUTS!
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690 I pretend I'm living in a styrofoam packing crate, high in th'
691 SWISS ALPS, still unable to accept th' idea of TOUCH-TONE DIALING!!
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692 I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
693 about GUN CONTROL legislation..
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694 I represent a sardine!!
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695 I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
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696 .. I see TOILET SEATS...
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697 I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
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698 I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
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699 I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
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700 I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
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701 .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
702 a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
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703 I think I'll do BOTH if I can get RESIDUALS!!
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704 .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
705 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
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706 I think I'll make SCRAMBLED EGGS!! They're each in LITTLE SHELLS..
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707 ...I think I'm having an overnight sensation right now!!
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708 I think my CAREER is RUINED!!
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709 I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
710 HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
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711 .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
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712 I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
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713 I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
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714 I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
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715 I want DUSTIN HOFFMAN!! .. I want LIBERACE!! YOW!!
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716 I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
\0
717 .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
718 SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
\0
719 I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
\0
720 I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
721 VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
\0
722 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
\0
723 .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
\0
724 I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
\0
725 I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
\0
726 I want to TAKE IT HOME and DRESS IT UP in HOT PANTS!!
\0
727 I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
729 I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
730 formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
731 please don't be FURIOUS with me --
\0
732 I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
\0
733 I was giving HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE .. I'm CLEAN!!
\0
734 I was in a HOT TUB! I was NORMAL! I was ITALIAN!! I enjoyed th'
736 I was in EXCRUCIATING PAIN until I started reading JACK AND JILL
738 I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
\0
739 I will establish the first SHOPPING MALL in NUTLEY, New Jersey...
\0
740 I will invent "TIDY BOWL"...
\0
741 I will SHAVE and buy JELL-O and bring my MARRIAGE MANUAL!!
\0
742 I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
\0
743 I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
\0
744 I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
\0
745 .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
746 as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
\0
747 I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
\0
748 I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
\0
749 I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
\0
750 I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
\0
751 I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
\0
752 I'd like TRAINED SEALS and a CONVERTIBLE on my doorstep by NOON!!
\0
753 I'll clean your ROOM!! I know some GOOD stories, too!! All about
754 ROAD Island's, HUSH Puppies, and how LUKE finds GOLD on his LAND!!
\0
755 I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
\0
756 I'LL get it!! It's probably a FEW of my ITALIAN GIRL-FRIENDS!!
\0
757 ..I'll make you an ASHTRAY!!
\0
758 I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
\0
759 I'll take ROAST BEEF if you're out of LAMB!!
\0
760 I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
\0
761 I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
\0
762 I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
\0
763 I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
\0
764 I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
\0
765 I'm an East Side TYPE..
\0
766 I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
\0
767 I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
768 for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
\0
769 I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
\0
770 I'm CONTROLLED by the CIA!! EVERYONE is controlled by the CIA!!
\0
771 I'm definitely not in Omaha!
\0
772 I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
773 miniature DOMED STADIUM...
\0
774 I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
\0
775 I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
\0
776 I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
\0
777 I'm EXCITED!! I want a FLANK STEAK WEEK-END!! I think I'm JULIA
779 I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
\0
780 I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
\0
781 I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
\0
782 I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
\0
783 I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
\0
784 I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
\0
785 I'm having an emotional outburst!!
\0
786 I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
787 in my PAJAMA POCKET??
\0
788 I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
789 of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
\0
790 I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
\0
791 .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
792 of a KOSHER DELI --
\0
793 I'm in a twist contest!! I'm in a bathtub! It's on Mars!! I'm in
795 I'm in ATLANTIC CITY riding in a comfortable ROLLING CHAIR...
\0
796 I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
\0
797 I'm in DISGUISE as a BAGGAGE CHECKER....I can watch the house, if it's
799 I'm in LOVE with DON KNOTTS!!
\0
801 I'm losing my hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??
\0
802 I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
804 I'm MENTALLY here.. but PHYSICALLY I'm purchasing NAUGAHYDE furniture
805 in the' SUBURBS of PHOENIX!!
\0
806 I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
807 Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
\0
808 I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
\0
809 I'm not available for comment..
\0
810 I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
\0
811 I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
812 instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
\0
813 I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..
\0
814 I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
815 while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
\0
817 I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
\0
818 I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
819 Equip me with MISSILES!!
\0
820 I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
821 the Latin Hustle now!
\0
822 I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
\0
823 I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
824 I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
\0
825 I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
826 computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
\0
827 I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
\0
828 I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
829 INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
\0
830 I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
\0
832 I'm working under the direct orders of WAYNE NEWTON to deport
834 I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
\0
835 I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
\0
836 I'm ZIPPY!! Are we having FUN yet??
\0
837 I've been WRITING to SOPHIA LOREN every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!
\0
838 I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
\0
839 I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
840 you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
\0
841 I've got to get these SNACK CAKES to NEWARK by DAWN!!
\0
842 I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys
843 but you ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!
\0
844 I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
\0
845 .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
846 ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
847 ich rieche PIZZA...
\0
848 If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
849 for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
850 of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
\0
851 If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
852 a 55-year-old houseboy...
\0
853 If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
\0
854 If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
855 will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
\0
856 .. If I cover this entire WALL with MAZOLA, wdo I have to give my
857 AGENT ten per cent??
\0
858 If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
\0
859 If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
\0
860 .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
\0
861 If I have enough money to buy 5,000 CANS of NOODLE-RONI, can I get a
862 VAT of MARSHMALLOW FLUFF free??
\0
863 If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
\0
864 - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
\0
865 If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
\0
866 If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
867 Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
\0
868 If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET! Do I
869 get th' MICROWAVE MOPED?
\0
870 If this was a SWEDISH MOVIE, I'd take off your GO-GO BOOTS!!
\0
871 If you STAY in China, I'll give you 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE"
872 pencil sharpeners!!
\0
873 Imagine--a WORLD without POODLES...
\0
874 Impudent.. Yet possessing a certain ALUMINUM SILICATE
875 overbite....Needs REDDY-WHIP!!
\0
876 -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
877 ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
\0
878 In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
\0
879 In order to make PLANS for the WEEKEND...so that we can read RESTAURANT
880 REVIEWS and decide to GO to that restaurant & then NEVER GO...so we can
881 meet a FRIEND after work in a BAR and COMPLAIN about Interior Sect'y
882 JAMES WATT until the SUBJECT is changed to NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL...and so
883 our RELATIVES can FORCE us to listen to HOCKEY STATISTICS while we
884 wait for them to LEAVE on the 7:48....
\0
885 INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
\0
886 Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
\0
887 Intra-mural sports results are filtering through th' plumbing...
\0
888 Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
889 Or are we suffering in Safeway?
\0
890 Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
891 one wild afternoon??
\0
892 Is it clean in other dimensions?
\0
893 Is it FUN to be a MIDGET?
\0
894 Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
895 in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
\0
896 Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
\0
897 Is the EIGHTIES when they had ART DECO and GERALD McBOING-BOING lunch
899 Is there something I should be DOING with a GLAZED DONUT??
\0
900 Is this "BIKINI BEACH"?
\0
902 Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
\0
903 Is this ANYWHERE, USA?
\0
905 Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
\0
907 Is this TERMINAL fun?
\0
908 Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
909 makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
\0
910 Is this where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for
912 Isn't this my STOP?!
\0
913 It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
\0
914 It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
915 from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
\0
916 It's 74 degrees, 12 minutes NORTH, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes EAST!!
917 Soon, it will be TUESDAY!!
\0
918 It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
\0
919 It's hard being an ARTIST!!
\0
920 It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
\0
921 It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
922 an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
923 WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
\0
924 It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
\0
925 ...It's REAL ROUND.. And it's got a POINTY PART right in the MIDDLE!!
926 The shape is SMOOTH.. ..And COLD.. It feels very COMFORTABLE on my
927 CHEEK.. I'm getting EMOTIONAL..
\0
929 It's strange, but I'm only TRULY ALIVE when I'm covered in POLKA DOTS
931 It's the land of DONNY AND MARIE as promised in TV GUIDE!
\0
932 It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
\0
933 It's today's SPECIAL!
\0
934 JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
935 their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
\0
936 Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
\0
937 Join the PLUMBER'S UNION!!
\0
938 ...Just enough time to do my LIBERACE impression...
\0
939 Just imagine you're entering a state-of-the-art CAR WASH!!
\0
940 Just to have MORE FUN, I'll pretend I am JAMES CAGNEY and I am having
941 a tense, UP-TIGHT EXPERIENCE!!
\0
942 KARL MALDEN'S NOSE just won an ACADEMY AWARD!!
\0
943 Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
944 can be carried too FAR!
\0
945 Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
946 PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
\0
947 Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
948 is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
\0
949 LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
\0
950 Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
951 I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
952 I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
\0
953 Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
\0
954 Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
\0
955 Let's climb to the TOP of that MOUNTAIN and think about STRIP MINING!!
\0
956 Let's go to CHURCH!
\0
957 Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
\0
958 LIFE is a never-ending INFORMERCIAL!
\0
959 Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
\0
960 Life is selling REVOLUTIONARY HAIR PRODUCTS!
\0
961 .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
962 here in DUSSELDORF!!
\0
963 Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
\0
964 Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
966 Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
\0
967 Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
\0
968 Look!! Karl Malden!
\0
969 LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
970 ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
\0
971 LOOK!!! I'm WALKING in my SLEEP again!!
\0
972 LOU GRANT froze my ASSETS!!
\0
973 Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
\0
974 Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
975 in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
\0
976 Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
\0
977 MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
\0
978 MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
\0
979 Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
980 with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
981 about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
982 soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
983 Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
984 fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
985 animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
986 For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
987 on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
\0
988 Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
989 of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
\0
990 My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
\0
991 My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
992 DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
\0
993 My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
994 in upstate New York!!
\0
995 My DIGITAL WATCH has an automatic SNOOZE FEATURE!!
\0
997 My ELBOW is a remote FRENCH OUTPOST!!
\0
998 My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
\0
999 My FAVORITE group is "QUESTION MARK & THE MYSTERIANS"...
\0
1000 My forehead feels like a PACKAGE of moist CRANBERRIES in a remote
1002 My haircut is totally traditional!
\0
1003 MY income is ALL disposable!
\0
1004 My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
\0
1005 My LIBRARY CARD expired...
\0
1006 My life is a patio of fun!
\0
1007 My mind is a potato field...
\0
1008 My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
\0
1009 My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
\0
1010 .. my NOSE is NUMB!
\0
1011 .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
1012 a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
\0
1013 My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
\0
1014 My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
\0
1015 My TOYOTA is built like a ... BAGEL with CREAM CHEESE!!
\0
1016 My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
\0
1017 .. My vaseline is RUNNING...
\0
1018 NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
\0
1019 NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
1020 They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
1021 They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
1022 They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
1023 Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
\0
1024 NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
\0
1026 Not enough people play SKEE-BALL.. They're always thinking about
1027 COCAINE or and ALIEN BEINGS!!
\0
1028 NOT fucking!! Also not a PACKAGE of LOOSE-LEAF PAPER!!
\0
1029 Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
1030 and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
\0
1031 NOW do I get to blow out the CANDLES??
\0
1032 Now I am depressed...
\0
1033 Now I can join WEIGHT WATCHERS!
\0
1034 Now I need a suntan, a tennis lesson, Annette Funicello and two dozen
1035 Day-Glo orange paper jumpsuits!!
\0
1036 .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
1037 JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
\0
1038 Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
\0
1039 Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
1040 with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
\0
1041 Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
1042 the end of World War II!
\0
1043 Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round
1044 wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS
1045 and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
\0
1046 Now I'm telling MISS PIGGY about MONEY MARKET FUNDS!
\0
1047 .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
\0
1048 Now KEN is having a MENTAL CRISIS beacuse his "R.V." PAYMENTS are
1050 Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
1051 SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
\0
1052 Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
\0
1053 Now that we're in LOVE, you can BUY this GOLDFISH for a 48% DISCOUNT.
\0
1054 Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
1055 and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
\0
1056 NOW, I'm supposed to SCRAMBLE two, and HOLD th' MAYO!!
\0
1057 NOW, I'm taking the NEXT FLIGHT to ACAPULCO so I can write POEMS about
1058 BROKEN GUITAR STRINGS and sensuous PRE-TEENS!!
\0
1059 Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
\0
1060 Now, my ENTIRE LIFE is flashing before my EYES as I park my DODGE
1061 DART in your EXXON service area for a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!
\0
1062 O.K.! Speak with a PHILADELPHIA ACCENT!! Send out for CHINESE FOOD!!
1064 Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
\0
1065 Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
\0
1066 Oh, FISH sticks, CHEEZ WHIZ, GIN fizz, SHOW BIZ!!
\0
1067 Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
\0
1068 OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
1069 FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
\0
1070 Okay, BARBRA STREISAND, I recognize you now!! Also EFREM ZIMBALIST,
1071 JUNIOR!! And BEAUMONT NEWHALL!! Everybody into th' BATHROOM!
\0
1072 Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
1073 HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
\0
1074 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
1075 and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
1076 it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
1078 On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
1079 watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
\0
1080 On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
1081 QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
1082 if only we let it!!
\0
1083 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
1085 .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
1086 of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
1088 Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
1089 FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
1090 Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
1091 It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
1092 We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
1093 MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
\0
1094 .. One FISHWICH coming up!!
\0
1095 ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
1096 to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
1097 TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
1098 THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
\0
1099 .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
1100 in MIAMI last Tuesday?
\0
1101 Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
1102 at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
1103 and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
\0
1104 .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
\0
1105 OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
1106 and BEYOND REPAIR!!
\0
1107 PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
\0
1108 Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
1110 PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
\0
1111 ...PENGUINS are floating by...
\0
1113 Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
1114 in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
\0
1115 Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
\0
1116 Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
\0
1117 PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
\0
1118 Put FIVE DOZEN red GIRDLES in each CIRCULAR OPENING!!
\0
1119 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
\0
1120 QUIET!! I'm being CREATIVE!! Is it GREAT yet? It's s'posed to
1121 SMOKEY THE BEAR...
\0
1123 RELAX!! ... This is gonna be a HEALING EXPERIENCE!! Besides,
1124 I work for DING DONGS!
\0
1125 Remember, if you try to ESCAPE, many APARTMENT HOPPING ALCOHOLICS will
1126 SIMONIZE your HALLWAYS!! This is your LAST WARNING!!
\0
1127 Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
1128 ONLY by prescription!!
\0
1130 SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
1131 blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
1132 soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
\0
1133 Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
1134 San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
\0
1135 SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
1136 into empty OIL DRUMS..
\0
1137 Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
\0
1138 .. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today --
1139 or have a VASECTOMY??
\0
1140 Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
1141 hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
\0
1143 So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
\0
1144 .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into
1145 HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
1146 will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
\0
1147 .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
\0
1148 Someone is DROOLING on my collar!!
\0
1149 Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
\0
1150 Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
\0
1151 Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
1152 a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
\0
1153 Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
1154 ``Leave it to Beaver''!
\0
1155 Sorry, wrong ZIP CODE!!
\0
1156 Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
\0
1157 TAILFINS!! ...click...
\0
1158 Talking Pinhead Blues:
1159 Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
1160 channel TWENTY-SIX!!
1161 Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
1162 has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
1163 My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
1164 HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
1165 So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
1166 upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
\0
1167 TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
1168 ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
\0
1169 TATTOOED MIDGETS are using ALFREDO in their SALAMI FACTORY!
\0
1170 Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
1171 to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
\0
1172 Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
\0
1173 Th' PINK SOCK... soaking... soaking... soaking...
1174 Th' PINK SOCK... washing... washing... washing...
1175 Th' PINK SOCK... rinsing... rinsing... rinsing...
\0
1176 Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
\0
1177 That's a decision that can only be made between you & SY SPERLING!!
\0
1178 The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
1179 the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
\0
1180 The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
1181 and have since BIRTH!!
\0
1182 The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
1183 down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
\0
1184 The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
\0
1185 .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
1186 is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!
\0
1187 The Korean War must have been fun.
\0
1188 "THE LITTLE PINK FLESH SISTERS," I saw them at th' FLUORESCENT BULB
1189 MAKERS CONVENTION...
\0
1190 The LOGARITHM of an ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is TUESDAY WELD!!
\0
1191 .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
\0
1192 The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
\0
1193 The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
\0
1194 The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
1195 But they went to MARS around 1953!!
\0
1196 The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
\0
1197 ..The TENSION mounts as I MASSAGE your RIGHT ANKLE according to
1198 ancient Tibetan ACCOUNTING PROCEDURES..are you NEUROTIC yet??
\0
1199 Then, it's off to RED CHINA!!
\0
1200 There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
1201 in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
\0
1202 There's a lot of BIG MONEY in MISERY if you have an AGENT!!
\0
1203 There's a SALE on STRETCH SOCKS down at the "7-11"!!
\0
1204 There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
\0
1205 These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
\0
1206 They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
1207 they had no teen appeal!
\0
1208 They don't hire PERSONAL PINHEADS, Mr. Toad!
\0
1209 This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
\0
1210 This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
\0
1211 This is my WILLIAM BENDIX memorial CORNER where I worship William
1212 Bendix like a GOD!!
\0
1214 This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
1215 pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
\0
1216 .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
\0
1217 This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
\0
1218 This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
\0
1219 This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
1220 is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
\0
1221 Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
1222 my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
\0
1223 Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
1224 feeling for the aesthetic modules --
\0
1225 Three attractive BANK ROBBERS are discussing RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES and
1226 MAKE-UP TECHNIQUE with them!!
\0
1227 Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
1228 TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
\0
1229 Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
1230 Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
1231 I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
\0
1232 TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
\0
1233 Two LITTLE black dots and one BIG black dot...nice 'n' FLUFFY!!
\0
1234 Two with FLUFFO, hold th' BEETS..side of SOYETTES!
\0
1235 Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
1236 frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
\0
1237 Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
\0
1238 UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
1240 UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
1241 having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
\0
1242 Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
\0
1243 UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
\0
1245 Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
\0
1246 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
1248 ..Wait 'til those ITALIAN TEENAGERS get back to their HONDAS &
1249 discover them to be FILLED to the BRIM with MAZOLA!!
\0
1250 Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
\0
1251 Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
\0
1252 We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
\0
1253 We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
\0
1254 We just joined the civil hair patrol!
\0
1255 We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
1256 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
\0
1257 Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
1258 I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
1259 I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
\0
1260 Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
1261 VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
\0
1262 Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
1264 Well, I'm on the right planet---everyone looks like me!!!
\0
1265 Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
1266 EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
\0
1267 Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
\0
1268 What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
\0
1269 What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
\0
1270 What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
\0
1271 What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
\0
1272 What PROGRAM are they watching?
\0
1273 What UNIVERSE is this, please??
\0
1274 What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
\0
1275 When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
1276 or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
\0
1277 When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
\0
1278 When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
\0
1279 When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
1280 CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
1281 COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
\0
1282 Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
\0
1283 Where does it go when you flush?
\0
1284 Where's my SOCIAL WORKER?
\0
1285 Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
\0
1286 Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
\0
1287 Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
\0
1288 While I'm in LEVITTOWN I thought I'd like to see the NUCLEAR FAMILY!!
\0
1289 While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
1290 Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
\0
1291 While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
1292 bank account.. This will have the same effect as
1293 two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
\0
1294 WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
\0
1295 Who wants some OYSTERS with SEN-SEN an' COOL WHIP?
\0
1296 WHOA!! I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE right NOW!!
\0
1297 WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
1298 be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
\0
1299 Why am I in this ROOM in DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA?
\0
1300 Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
\0
1301 WHY are we missing KOJAK?
\0
1302 Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??
1303 Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
\0
1304 Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
\0
1305 Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
1306 HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
\0
1308 Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
\0
1309 Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
\0
1310 Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
\0
1311 With this weapon I can expose fictional characters and bring about
1312 sweeping reforms!!
\0
1313 With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
\0
1314 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
1316 Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
\0
1317 Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
\0
1318 Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
1319 at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
\0
1320 Yes, Private DOBERMAN!!
\0
1321 You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
\0
1322 You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
1323 th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
\0
1324 You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
\0
1325 You must be a CUB SCOUT!! Have you made your MONEY-DROP today??
\0
1326 YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
\0
1327 You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
1329 You were s'posed to laugh!
\0
1330 YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
1331 VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
\0
1332 YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!!
\0
1333 Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
\0
1334 Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
\0
1336 Yow! Am I cleansed yet?!
\0
1337 Yow! Am I having fun yet?
\0
1338 Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
\0
1339 Yow! Am I JOGGING yet??
\0
1340 Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
\0
1341 Yow! Are we in the perfect mood?
\0
1342 Yow! Are we laid back yet?
\0
1343 Yow! Are we wet yet?
\0
1344 Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
\0
1345 Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
\0
1346 YOW! I can see 1987!! PRESIDENT FORD is doing the REMAKE of "PAGAN
1347 LOVE SONG"...he's playing ESTHER WILLIAMS!!
\0
1348 Yow! I forgot my PAIL!!
\0
1349 Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
\0
1350 Yow! I like my new DENTIST...
\0
1351 Yow! I threw up on my window!
\0
1352 Yow! I want my nose in lights!
\0
1353 Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
\0
1354 Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos
1355 alone in a steel mill!
\0
1356 Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
\0
1357 Yow! I'm out of work...I could go into shock absorbers...or SCUBA
1359 Yow! I'm UNEMPLOYED!
\0
1360 Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
\0
1361 Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
\0
1362 Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
\0
1363 Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
\0
1364 Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
\0
1365 Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
1366 when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
\0
1367 Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
\0
1369 Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
\0
1370 Yow! We're going to a new disco!
\0
1372 Yow!! "Janitor trapped in sewer uses ESP to find decayed burger"!!
\0
1373 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
\0
1374 YOW!! I am having FUN!!
\0
1375 YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
\0
1376 Yow!! It's LIBERACE and TUESDAY WELD!! High on a HILL... driving a
1377 LITTLE CAR... I wanna be in that LITTLE CAR, too!! I wanna drive off
1378 with LIBBY and TUESDAY!
\0
1379 YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
1380 and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
\0
1381 YOW!! Now I'm playing with my HOLOGRAPHIC ATOMIC SIMULATION LASER
1382 pinball machine!! WORLD PEACE is in the BALANCE!!
\0
1383 Yow!! That's a GOOD IDEA!! Eating a whole FIELD of COUGH MEDICINE
1384 should make you feel MUCH BETTER!!
\0
1385 YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
\0
1386 YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
\0
1387 YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
1388 of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
1390 YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
\0
1391 YUGGA-HUGGA-BUGGA-TUGGA!! HEY-HEY!! A TRAIN STATION!! No, a POST
1392 OFFICE!! An OCEAN LINER!! No, I think it's a CAFETERIA!!!
\0
1393 Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
\0
1401 The cucumber has left the salad.
1402 I can see the gun of Navarone.
1403 Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
1404 You've got Windows on your laptop.
1405 Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
1406 Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
1407 Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
1408 You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
1409 Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
1410 Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
1411 Little Elvis has LEFT the building!
1412 Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
1413 Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
1414 The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
1415 Dr. Kimble has escaped!
1416 You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
1417 Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
1418 You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
1419 I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"