Commit | Line | Data |
4536f655 |
1 | #!/usr/local/bin/perl -ws |
2 | |
3 | use vars qw( $n ) ; |
4 | |
5 | $|= 1 ; |
6 | |
7 | $num = 0 ; |
8 | |
9 | print "\nWelcome to quote_serve\nType help for help\n\n" ; |
10 | prompt() ; |
11 | |
12 | %disp_table = ( |
13 | 'help' => \&help, |
14 | 'pid' => \&pid, |
15 | 'yow' => \&yow, |
16 | 'insult' => \&insult, |
17 | ) ; |
18 | |
19 | while( <> ) { |
20 | |
21 | tr/\r\n//d ; |
22 | |
23 | if ( /^q/ ) { |
24 | |
25 | print "Quitting\n" ; |
26 | #sleep 1 ; |
27 | # print STDERR "Quitting 2\n" ; |
28 | # exit ; |
29 | last ; |
30 | } |
31 | |
32 | if ( /^$/ ) { |
33 | |
34 | $cmd = $prev_cmd or next ; |
35 | } |
36 | elsif ( /^(\w+)/ ) { |
37 | |
38 | $cmd = $1 ; |
39 | } |
40 | elsif ( /^\s+$/ ) { |
41 | next ; |
42 | } |
43 | else { |
44 | |
45 | print STDERR "No command found\n" ; |
46 | next ; |
47 | } |
48 | |
49 | $func = $disp_table{ $cmd } ; |
50 | |
51 | unless( $func ) { |
52 | |
53 | print STDERR "Unknown command '$cmd'\n" ; |
54 | next ; |
55 | } |
56 | |
57 | $resp = $func->( $_ ) ; |
58 | |
59 | if ( $n ) { |
60 | |
61 | $num++ ; |
62 | print "\n$num: $resp\n" ; |
63 | } |
64 | else { |
65 | print "\n$resp\n" ; |
66 | } |
67 | |
68 | $prev_cmd = $cmd ; |
69 | } |
70 | continue { |
71 | |
72 | prompt() ; |
73 | } |
74 | |
75 | sub prompt { |
76 | |
77 | print "\nquote_serve: " |
78 | } |
79 | |
80 | sub help { |
81 | |
82 | return <<HELP ; |
83 | |
84 | command action |
85 | |
86 | pid prints out process ID |
87 | yow prints a random Zippy line |
88 | insult prints a random Shakespearean style insult |
89 | help prints this help text |
90 | |
91 | HELP |
92 | |
93 | } |
94 | |
95 | sub pid { |
96 | |
97 | return "my pid is $$" ; |
98 | } |
99 | |
100 | sub yow { |
101 | |
102 | return $yow_lines[ rand @yow_lines ] ; |
103 | } |
104 | |
105 | sub insult { |
106 | |
107 | $word1 = $insult_list1[rand @insult_list1] ; |
108 | $word2 = $insult_list2[rand @insult_list2] ; |
109 | $word3 = $insult_list3[rand @insult_list3] ; |
110 | $word4 = $insult_list4[rand @insult_list4] ; |
111 | |
112 | return "$word1 thou $word2 $word3 $word4!" ; |
113 | } |
114 | |
115 | BEGIN { |
116 | |
117 | @insult_list1 = ( |
118 | |
119 | q(Away I say), |
120 | q(Bathe thyself), |
121 | q(Be not deaf), |
122 | q(Behold thy mirror), |
123 | q(Beware my sting), |
124 | q(Clean thine ears), |
125 | q(Drink up eisel), |
126 | q(Eat a crododile), |
127 | q(Eat my knickers), |
128 | q(Fie upon thee), |
129 | q(Forsooth say I), |
130 | q(Get thee gone), |
131 | q(Get thee hence), |
132 | q(Grow unsightly warts), |
133 | q(Hear me now), |
134 | q(Hear this pox alert), |
135 | q(I'll see thee hang'd), |
136 | q(Kiss my codpiece), |
137 | q(Lead apes in hell), |
138 | q(Methinks you stinks), |
139 | q(My finger in thine eye), |
140 | q("Phui" I say), |
141 | q(Quit not thy day gig), |
142 | q(Remove thy ass hence), |
143 | q(Sit thee on a spit), |
144 | q(Sorrow on thee), |
145 | q(Swim with leeches), |
146 | q(Thou dost intrude), |
147 | q(Thy mother wears armor), |
148 | q(Trip on thy sword), |
149 | q(Tune thy lute), |
150 | q(Why, how now putz), |
151 | q(Wipe thy ugly face), |
152 | ) ; |
153 | |
154 | @insult_list2 = qw( |
155 | |
156 | artless |
157 | bawdy |
158 | beslubbering |
159 | bootless |
160 | cankerous |
161 | churlish |
162 | cockered |
163 | clouted |
164 | craven |
165 | currish |
166 | dankish |
167 | dissembling |
168 | droning |
169 | errant |
170 | fawning |
171 | fobbing |
172 | fool-born |
173 | froward |
174 | frothy |
175 | gleeking |
176 | goatish |
177 | gorbellied |
178 | ill-nurtured |
179 | incestuous |
180 | incurable |
181 | infectious |
182 | jarring |
183 | loggerheaded |
184 | lumpish |
185 | loutish |
186 | mammering |
187 | mangled |
188 | mewling |
189 | paunchy |
190 | puking |
191 | puny |
192 | qualling |
193 | rank |
194 | reeky |
195 | roguish |
196 | rump-fed |
197 | ruttish |
198 | saucy |
199 | spleeny |
200 | spongy |
201 | tardy-gaited |
202 | tottering |
203 | unmuzzled |
204 | vain |
205 | venomed |
206 | warped |
207 | wayward |
208 | weedy |
209 | whoreson |
210 | wretched |
211 | yeasty |
212 | ) ; |
213 | |
214 | @insult_list3 = qw( |
215 | |
216 | addlepated |
217 | base-court |
218 | bat-fowling |
219 | beef-witted |
220 | beetle-headed |
221 | boil-brained |
222 | clapper-clawed |
223 | clay-brained |
224 | codpiece-sniffing |
225 | common-kissing |
226 | crook-pated |
227 | dismal-dreaming |
228 | dizzy-eyed |
229 | doghearted |
230 | dread-bolted |
231 | earth-vexing |
232 | elf-skinned |
233 | fat-kidneyed |
234 | fen-sucked |
235 | flap-mouthed |
236 | fly-bitten |
237 | folly-fallen |
238 | foul-practicing |
239 | full-gorged |
240 | guts-griping |
241 | half-faced |
242 | hasty-witted |
243 | hedge-born |
244 | hell-hated |
245 | idle-headed |
246 | ill-breeding |
247 | knotty-pated |
248 | mad-brained |
249 | milk-livered |
250 | motley-minded |
251 | onion-eyed |
252 | plume-plucked |
253 | pottle-deep |
254 | pox-marked |
255 | reeling-ripe |
256 | rough-hewn |
257 | rude-growing |
258 | shard-borne |
259 | sheep-biting |
260 | spur-galled |
261 | swag-bellied |
262 | tickle-brained |
263 | toad-spotted |
264 | unchin-snouted |
265 | weather-bitten |
266 | ) ; |
267 | |
268 | @insult_list4 = qw( |
269 | apple-john |
270 | baggage |
271 | barnacle |
272 | bladder |
273 | boar-pig |
274 | bugbear |
275 | bum-bailey |
276 | canker-blossom |
277 | clack-dish |
278 | clotpole |
279 | coxcomb |
280 | codpiece |
281 | death-token |
282 | dewberry |
283 | dotard |
284 | flap-dragon |
285 | flax-wench |
286 | flea |
287 | flirt-gill |
288 | foot-licker |
289 | fustilarian |
290 | giglet |
291 | gudgeon |
292 | haggard |
293 | harpy |
294 | hedge-pig |
295 | horn-beast |
296 | hugger-mugger |
297 | jolthead |
298 | knave |
299 | lewdster |
300 | lout |
301 | maggot-pie |
302 | malt-worm |
303 | mammet |
304 | measle |
305 | minnow |
306 | miscreant |
307 | moldwarp |
308 | mumble-news |
309 | nit |
310 | nut-hook |
311 | pigeon-egg |
312 | pignut |
313 | pumpion |
314 | puttock |
315 | ratsbane |
316 | rudesby |
317 | scut |
318 | skainsmate |
319 | strumpet |
320 | varlot |
321 | vassal |
322 | wagtail |
323 | water-fly |
324 | whey-face |
325 | winter-cricket |
326 | ) ; |
327 | |
328 | } |
329 | |
330 | BEGIN { |
331 | |
332 | @yow_lines = map {s/^\n//; $_} split /\\0/, <<'YOWEOT' ; |
333 | A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!\0 |
334 | A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!\0 |
335 | A GRAM?? A BRAM... A GROOM... A BROOM... Oh, Yeh!! Wash the |
336 | ROOM!!\0 |
337 | ...A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit!!\0 |
338 | A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..\0 |
339 | A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with |
340 | LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??\0 |
341 | Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!\0 |
342 | After this, I'm going to BURN some RUBBER!!\0 |
343 | After THIS, let's go to PHILADELPHIA and have TRIPLETS!!\0 |
344 | AIEEEEE! I am having an UNDULATING EXPERIENCE!\0 |
345 | ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!\0 |
346 | All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled |
347 | by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...\0 |
348 | All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, |
349 | grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! |
350 | ... Although I don't know WHY!!\0 |
351 | All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!\0 |
352 | All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!\0 |
353 | All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!\0 |
354 | Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!\0 |
355 | Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?\0 |
356 | Am I elected yet?\0 |
357 | ..Am I in a SOAP OPERA??\0 |
358 | Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?\0 |
359 | Am I SHOPLIFTING?\0 |
360 | America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into |
361 | your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --\0 |
362 | An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!\0 |
363 | An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??\0 |
364 | An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!\0 |
365 | And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!\0 |
366 | ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like |
367 | RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!\0 |
368 | Are BOTH T.V.S on??\0 |
369 | .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?\0 |
370 | ..Are we having FUN yet...?\0 |
371 | Are we live or on tape?\0 |
372 | Are we on STRIKE yet?\0 |
373 | Are we THERE yet?\0 |
374 | Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!\0 |
375 | Are we THERE yet?!\0 |
376 | Are we THERE yet??\0 |
377 | Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??\0 |
378 | Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??\0 |
379 | Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!\0 |
380 | Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?\0 |
381 | Are you still SEXUALLY ACTIVE? Did you BRING th' REINFORCEMENTS?\0 |
382 | As a FAD follower, my BEVERAGE choices are rich and fulfilling!\0 |
383 | As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!\0 |
384 | Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!\0 |
385 | Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?\0 |
386 | Bagels...\0 |
387 | BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!\0 |
388 | Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! |
389 | But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!\0 |
390 | BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of |
391 | ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!\0 |
392 | BEEP-BEEP!! I'm a '49 STUDEBAKER!!\0 |
393 | Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.\0 |
394 | BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..\0 |
395 | BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-\0 |
396 | ... Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!\0 |
397 | .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...\0 |
398 | Bo Derek ruined my life!\0 |
399 | Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...\0 |
400 | Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!\0 |
401 | BRYLCREAM is CREAM O' WHEAT in another DIMENSION..\0 |
402 | But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?\0 |
403 | By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..\0 |
404 | C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER |
405 | BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the |
406 | soundtrack from "OKLAHOMA"!!\0 |
407 | CALIFORNIA is where people from IOWA or NEW YORK go to subscribe to |
408 | CABLE TELEVISION!!\0 |
409 | Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?\0 |
410 | Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?\0 |
411 | Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!\0 |
412 | CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!\0 |
413 | CHUBBY CHECKER owns my BUILDING!\0 |
414 | Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!\0 |
415 | Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!\0 |
416 | Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! |
417 | Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!! |
418 | Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! |
419 | JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!\0 |
420 | CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about |
421 | DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??\0 |
422 | Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's |
423 | UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..\0 |
424 | Could I have a drug overdose?\0 |
425 | "DARK SHADOWS" is on!! Hey, I think the VAMPIRE forgot his UMBRELLA!!\0 |
426 | Darling, my ELBOW is FLYING over FRANKFURT, Germany..\0 |
427 | Dehydrated EGGS are STREWN across ROULETTE TABLES..\0 |
428 | Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations |
429 | in a MALIBU HOT TUB?\0 |
430 | Did I do an INCORRECT THING??\0 |
431 | Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???\0 |
432 | Did I SELL OUT yet??\0 |
433 | Did we bring enough BEEF JERKY?\0 |
434 | Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?\0 |
435 | Did you GAIN WEIGHT in th' past 5 MINUTES or am I just DREAMING of two |
436 | BROCCOLI FLORETS lying in an empty GAS TANK?\0 |
437 | Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?\0 |
438 | DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?\0 |
439 | Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?\0 |
440 | Didn't KIERKEGAARD wear out his TIRES in VIENNA during a SNOWSTORM of |
441 | FREUD's unpaid DENTAL BILLS?\0 |
442 | Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running |
443 | straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions |
444 | and devalue the dollar!\0 |
445 | Dizzy, are we "REAL PEOPLE" or "AMAZING ANIMALS"?\0 |
446 | Do I have a lifestyle yet?\0 |
447 | Do I hear th' SPINNING of various WHIRRING, ROUND, and WARM |
448 | WHIRLOMATICS?!\0 |
449 | Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?\0 |
450 | Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??\0 |
451 | .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?\0 |
452 | Do you need any MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation?\0 |
453 | Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?\0 |
454 | Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?\0 |
455 | Does that mean I'm not a well-adjusted person??\0 |
456 | .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?\0 |
457 | DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!! |
458 | Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!\0 |
459 | Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!\0 |
460 | Don't SANFORIZE me!!\0 |
461 | Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! |
462 | .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, |
463 | BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??\0 |
464 | Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!\0 |
465 | Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!\0 |
466 | Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!\0 |
467 | Everybody gets free BORSCHT!\0 |
468 | Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale |
469 | or a disaster Movie!!\0 |
470 | ..Everything is....FLIPPING AROUND!!\0 |
471 | Everything will be ALL RIGHT if we can just remember things about |
472 | ALGEBRA.. or SOCCER.. or SOCIALISM..\0 |
473 | Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...\0 |
474 | Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the |
475 | survival of OFFSET PRINTING?\0 |
476 | FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!\0 |
477 | Feel th' WHIRLING BUFFERS buffing away all that stress... |
478 | Years of ROAD TAR gently washing away...\0 |
479 | Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the |
480 | faculty dining room.\0 |
481 | FIRST, I was in a TRUCK...THEN, I was in a DINER...\0 |
482 | FIRST, I'm covering you with OLIVE OIL and PRUNE WHIP!!\0 |
483 | First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test.. |
484 | So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!\0 |
485 | FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH!!\0 |
486 | Fold, fold, FOLD!! FOLDING many items!!\0 |
487 | FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!\0 |
488 | Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my |
489 | gothic solarium!!\0 |
490 | FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..\0 |
491 | FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!\0 |
492 | Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make |
493 | my satellite dish PAYMENTS!\0 |
494 | ...Get me a GIN and TONIC!!...make it HAIR TONIC!!\0 |
495 | Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---\0 |
496 | Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!\0 |
497 | Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!\0 |
498 | GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID |
499 | to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!\0 |
500 | Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- When will I EVER stop HAVING |
501 | FUN?!!\0 |
502 | HAIR TONICS, please!!\0 |
503 | Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!\0 |
504 | Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard |
505 | -- I'm living for today!\0 |
506 | Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??... |
507 | Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!\0 |
508 | Have my two-tone, 1958 Nash METRO brought around..\0 |
509 | .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.\0 |
510 | He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE... |
511 | XEROX him... XEROX him --\0 |
512 | He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE |
513 | inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd |
514 | like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection |
515 | to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess |
516 | I should call AL PACINO!\0 |
517 | HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!\0 |
518 | HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!\0 |
519 | Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!\0 |
520 | HELLO, little boys! Gimme a MINT TULIP!! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!!\0 |
521 | --Hello, POLICE? I"ve got ABBOTT & COSTELLO here on suspicion of |
522 | HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!\0 |
523 | Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic |
524 | Alaskan females!!\0 |
525 | Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your |
526 | INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!\0 |
527 | Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! |
528 | World War III? No thanks!\0 |
529 | Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..\0 |
530 | Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying |
531 | my urine sample bottles..\0 |
532 | .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!\0 |
533 | Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN |
534 | anywhere!!\0 |
535 | Here is my refrigerator full of FLANK STEAK...and over there is my |
536 | UPHOLSTERED CANOE...I don't know WHY I OWN them!!\0 |
537 | Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?\0 |
538 | HERE!! Put THIS on!! I'm in CHARGE!!\0 |
539 | Hey!! Let's watch the' ELEVATOR go UP and DOWN at th' HILTON HOTEL!!\0 |
540 | Hey, I LIKE that POINT!!\0 |
541 | Hey, LOOK!! A pair of SIZE 9 CAPRI PANTS!! They probably belong to |
542 | SAMMY DAVIS, JR.!!\0 |
543 | Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!\0 |
544 | Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!\0 |
545 | Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some |
546 | drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!\0 |
547 | Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT |
548 | by a TROLLEY-CAR..\0 |
549 | Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted |
550 | island, when...\0 |
551 | Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE |
552 | ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..\0 |
553 | Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of |
554 | POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...\0 |
555 | Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...\0 |
556 | HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!\0 |
557 | HOW could a GLASS be YELLING??\0 |
558 | How do I get HOME?\0 |
559 | How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? |
560 | It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates |
561 | SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take |
562 | HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!\0 |
563 | How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing |
564 | PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??\0 |
565 | How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??\0 |
566 | How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?\0 |
567 | .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.\0 |
568 | HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!\0 |
569 | HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...\0 |
570 | Hydraulic pizza oven!! Guided missile! Herring sandwich! Styrofoam! |
571 | Jayne Mansfield! Aluminum siding! Borax! Pedal pushers! Jukebox!\0 |
572 | I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!\0 |
573 | I always liked FLAG DAY!!\0 |
574 | I always wanted a NOSE JOB!!\0 |
575 | I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.\0 |
576 | I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginsberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!\0 |
577 | I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!\0 |
578 | I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!\0 |
579 | I am having a CONCEPTION--\0 |
580 | I am having a pleasant time!!\0 |
581 | I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?\0 |
582 | I am KING BOMBA of Sicily!..I will marry LUCILLE BALL next Friday!\0 |
583 | I am NOT a nut....\0 |
584 | I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!\0 |
585 | I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!\0 |
586 | I call it a "SARDINE ON WHEAT"!\0 |
587 | -- I can do ANYTHING ... I can even ... SHOPLIFT!!\0 |
588 | I can see you GUYS an' GALS need a LOT of HELP...You're all very |
589 | STUPID!! I used to be STUPID, too..before I started watching UHF-TV!!\0 |
590 | I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! |
591 | I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!\0 |
592 | I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of |
593 | LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...\0 |
594 | I decided to be JOHN TRAVOLTA instead!!\0 |
595 | I demand IMPUNITY!\0 |
596 | I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!\0 |
597 | I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all |
598 | just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen-- |
599 | .. to sell more numbers!!\0 |
600 | .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. |
601 | LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!\0 |
602 | I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS |
603 | in my rear molars..\0 |
604 | I don't think you fellows would do so much RAPING and PILLAGING if you |
605 | played more PINBALL and watched CABLE TELEVISION!!\0 |
606 | .. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!\0 |
607 | I feel better about world problems now!\0 |
608 | I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!\0 |
609 | I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..\0 |
610 | I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!\0 |
611 | I feel partially hydrogenated!\0 |
612 | I feel real SOPHISTICATED being in FRANCE!\0 |
613 | .. I feel.. JUGULAR..\0 |
614 | I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies |
615 | of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to |
616 | the top.. They look NICE in the yard--\0 |
617 | I FORGOT to do the DISHES!!\0 |
618 | I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...\0 |
619 | I guess we can live on his POT FARM in HADES!!\0 |
620 | I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!\0 |
621 | I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...\0 |
622 | I had pancake makeup for brunch!\0 |
623 | I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD\0 |
624 | I HAVE a towel.\0 |
625 | I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.\0 |
626 | .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!\0 |
627 | I have accepted Provolone into my life!\0 |
628 | I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..\0 |
629 | I have no actual hairline...\0 |
630 | I have nostalgia for the late Sixties! In 1969 I left my laundry with |
631 | a hippie!! During an unauthorized Tupperware party it was chopped & |
632 | diced!\0 |
633 | --- I have seen the FUN ---\0 |
634 | I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket.. |
635 | .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...\0 |
636 | I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!\0 |
637 | I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE |
638 | JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!\0 |
639 | I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling |
640 | every day from Oral Roberts!!\0 |
641 | I HIJACKED a 747 to get here!! I hope those fabulous CONEHEADS are at HOME!!\0 |
642 | I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...\0 |
643 | I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have |
644 | a REASON to live!!\0 |
645 | I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...\0 |
646 | I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half |
647 | your life savings in yeast!!\0 |
648 | I invented skydiving in 1989!\0 |
649 | I joined scientology at a garage sale!!\0 |
650 | I just bought FLATBUSH from MICKEY MANTLE!\0 |
651 | I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!\0 |
652 | I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker.. |
653 | But now I can't remember WHO he is...\0 |
654 | I just had a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!\0 |
655 | I just had a NOSE JOB!!\0 |
656 | I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!\0 |
657 | I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch |
658 | with my LEISURE SUIT!!\0 |
659 | I just put lots of the EGG SALAD in the SILK SOCKS --\0 |
660 | I just remembered something about a TOAD!\0 |
661 | ..I just walked into th' HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES with fourteen WET |
662 | DOLPHINS and an out-of-date MARRIAGE MANUAL...\0 |
663 | A KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little |
664 | COLE SLAW on the SIDE?\0 |
665 | I Know A Joke\0 |
666 | I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!\0 |
667 | I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own |
668 | television series!\0 |
669 | I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!\0 |
670 | I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!\0 |
671 | I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!\0 |
672 | I LIKE Aisle 7a.\0 |
673 | I like the IMPUDENT NOSE on that car.. Are you a TEEN-AGER? \0 |
674 | I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS\0 |
675 | I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!\0 |
676 | ... I live in a FUR-LINE FALLOUT SHELTER\0 |
677 | I love FRUIT PICKERS!!\0 |
678 | --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. |
679 | I fed the cat. - Zippy''\0 |
680 | I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!\0 |
681 | ..I must be a VETERINARIAN..\0 |
682 | I need "RONDO".\0 |
683 | I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least |
684 | six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!\0 |
685 | I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!\0 |
686 | I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!\0 |
687 | I OWN six pink HIPPOS!!\0 |
688 | I predict that by 1993 everyone will live in and around LAS VEGAS and |
689 | wear BEATLE HAIRCUTS!\0 |
690 | I pretend I'm living in a styrofoam packing crate, high in th' |
691 | SWISS ALPS, still unable to accept th' idea of TOUCH-TONE DIALING!!\0 |
692 | I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think |
693 | about GUN CONTROL legislation..\0 |
694 | I represent a sardine!!\0 |
695 | I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!\0 |
696 | .. I see TOILET SEATS...\0 |
697 | I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!\0 |
698 | I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!\0 |
699 | I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!\0 |
700 | I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!\0 |
701 | .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with |
702 | a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...\0 |
703 | I think I'll do BOTH if I can get RESIDUALS!!\0 |
704 | .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this |
705 | 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!\0 |
706 | I think I'll make SCRAMBLED EGGS!! They're each in LITTLE SHELLS..\0 |
707 | ...I think I'm having an overnight sensation right now!!\0 |
708 | I think my CAREER is RUINED!!\0 |
709 | I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the |
710 | HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!\0 |
711 | .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!\0 |
712 | I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!\0 |
713 | I want a WESSON OIL lease!!\0 |
714 | I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!\0 |
715 | I want DUSTIN HOFFMAN!! .. I want LIBERACE!! YOW!!\0 |
716 | I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!\0 |
717 | .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within |
718 | SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!\0 |
719 | I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.\0 |
720 | I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with |
721 | VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..\0 |
722 | I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!\0 |
723 | .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!\0 |
724 | I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...\0 |
725 | I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!\0 |
726 | I want to TAKE IT HOME and DRESS IT UP in HOT PANTS!!\0 |
727 | I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY.. |
728 | BACKWARDS!!\0 |
729 | I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in |
730 | formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- |
731 | please don't be FURIOUS with me --\0 |
732 | I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!\0 |
733 | I was giving HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE .. I'm CLEAN!!\0 |
734 | I was in a HOT TUB! I was NORMAL! I was ITALIAN!! I enjoyed th' |
735 | EARTHQUAKE!\0 |
736 | I was in EXCRUCIATING PAIN until I started reading JACK AND JILL |
737 | Magazine!!\0 |
738 | I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!\0 |
739 | I will establish the first SHOPPING MALL in NUTLEY, New Jersey...\0 |
740 | I will invent "TIDY BOWL"...\0 |
741 | I will SHAVE and buy JELL-O and bring my MARRIAGE MANUAL!!\0 |
742 | I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!\0 |
743 | I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!\0 |
744 | I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?\0 |
745 | .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE |
746 | as a COMPLETE STRANGER?\0 |
747 | I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!\0 |
748 | I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?\0 |
749 | I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --\0 |
750 | I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!\0 |
751 | I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --\0 |
752 | I'd like TRAINED SEALS and a CONVERTIBLE on my doorstep by NOON!!\0 |
753 | I'll clean your ROOM!! I know some GOOD stories, too!! All about |
754 | ROAD Island's, HUSH Puppies, and how LUKE finds GOLD on his LAND!!\0 |
755 | I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!\0 |
756 | I'LL get it!! It's probably a FEW of my ITALIAN GIRL-FRIENDS!!\0 |
757 | ..I'll make you an ASHTRAY!!\0 |
758 | I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...\0 |
759 | I'll take ROAST BEEF if you're out of LAMB!!\0 |
760 | I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany\0 |
761 | I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!\0 |
762 | I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!\0 |
763 | I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!\0 |
764 | I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!\0 |
765 | I'm an East Side TYPE..\0 |
766 | I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!\0 |
767 | I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials |
768 | for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!\0 |
769 | I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!\0 |
770 | I'm CONTROLLED by the CIA!! EVERYONE is controlled by the CIA!!\0 |
771 | I'm definitely not in Omaha!\0 |
772 | I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this |
773 | miniature DOMED STADIUM...\0 |
774 | I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...\0 |
775 | I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!\0 |
776 | I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!\0 |
777 | I'm EXCITED!! I want a FLANK STEAK WEEK-END!! I think I'm JULIA |
778 | CHILD!!\0 |
779 | I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!\0 |
780 | I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!\0 |
781 | I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!\0 |
782 | I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!\0 |
783 | I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS\0 |
784 | I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!\0 |
785 | I'm having an emotional outburst!!\0 |
786 | I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE |
787 | in my PAJAMA POCKET??\0 |
788 | I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES |
789 | of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..\0 |
790 | I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!\0 |
791 | .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM |
792 | of a KOSHER DELI --\0 |
793 | I'm in a twist contest!! I'm in a bathtub! It's on Mars!! I'm in |
794 | tip-top condition!\0 |
795 | I'm in ATLANTIC CITY riding in a comfortable ROLLING CHAIR...\0 |
796 | I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.\0 |
797 | I'm in DISGUISE as a BAGGAGE CHECKER....I can watch the house, if it's |
798 | ORANGE...\0 |
799 | I'm in LOVE with DON KNOTTS!!\0 |
800 | I'm into SOFTWARE!\0 |
801 | I'm losing my hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??\0 |
802 | I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my |
803 | PERSONAL SPACE!!\0 |
804 | I'm MENTALLY here.. but PHYSICALLY I'm purchasing NAUGAHYDE furniture |
805 | in the' SUBURBS of PHOENIX!!\0 |
806 | I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? |
807 | Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?\0 |
808 | I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!\0 |
809 | I'm not available for comment..\0 |
810 | I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??\0 |
811 | I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS |
812 | instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!\0 |
813 | I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..\0 |
814 | I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD'' |
815 | while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..\0 |
816 | I'm rated PG-34!!\0 |
817 | I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!\0 |
818 | I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! |
819 | Equip me with MISSILES!!\0 |
820 | I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do |
821 | the Latin Hustle now!\0 |
822 | I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!\0 |
823 | I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE.. |
824 | I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..\0 |
825 | I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and |
826 | computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..\0 |
827 | I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..\0 |
828 | I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the |
829 | INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!\0 |
830 | I'm wearing PAMPERS!!\0 |
831 | I'm wet! I'm wild!\0 |
832 | I'm working under the direct orders of WAYNE NEWTON to deport |
833 | consenting adults!\0 |
834 | I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!\0 |
835 | I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.\0 |
836 | I'm ZIPPY!! Are we having FUN yet??\0 |
837 | I've been WRITING to SOPHIA LOREN every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!\0 |
838 | I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...\0 |
839 | I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, |
840 | you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!\0 |
841 | I've got to get these SNACK CAKES to NEWARK by DAWN!!\0 |
842 | I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys |
843 | but you ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!\0 |
844 | I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!\0 |
845 | .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr... |
846 | ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble... |
847 | ich rieche PIZZA...\0 |
848 | If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD |
849 | for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE |
850 | of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!\0 |
851 | If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American |
852 | a 55-year-old houseboy...\0 |
853 | If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!\0 |
854 | If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE |
855 | will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!\0 |
856 | .. If I cover this entire WALL with MAZOLA, wdo I have to give my |
857 | AGENT ten per cent??\0 |
858 | If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!\0 |
859 | If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!\0 |
860 | .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!\0 |
861 | If I have enough money to buy 5,000 CANS of NOODLE-RONI, can I get a |
862 | VAT of MARSHMALLOW FLUFF free??\0 |
863 | If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!\0 |
864 | - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!\0 |
865 | If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!\0 |
866 | If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will |
867 | Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??\0 |
868 | If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET! Do I |
869 | get th' MICROWAVE MOPED?\0 |
870 | If this was a SWEDISH MOVIE, I'd take off your GO-GO BOOTS!!\0 |
871 | If you STAY in China, I'll give you 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE" |
872 | pencil sharpeners!!\0 |
873 | Imagine--a WORLD without POODLES...\0 |
874 | Impudent.. Yet possessing a certain ALUMINUM SILICATE |
875 | overbite....Needs REDDY-WHIP!!\0 |
876 | -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a |
877 | ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!\0 |
878 | In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!\0 |
879 | In order to make PLANS for the WEEKEND...so that we can read RESTAURANT |
880 | REVIEWS and decide to GO to that restaurant & then NEVER GO...so we can |
881 | meet a FRIEND after work in a BAR and COMPLAIN about Interior Sect'y |
882 | JAMES WATT until the SUBJECT is changed to NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL...and so |
883 | our RELATIVES can FORCE us to listen to HOCKEY STATISTICS while we |
884 | wait for them to LEAVE on the 7:48....\0 |
885 | INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!\0 |
886 | Inside, I'm already SOBBING!\0 |
887 | Intra-mural sports results are filtering through th' plumbing...\0 |
888 | Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? |
889 | Or are we suffering in Safeway?\0 |
890 | Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in |
891 | one wild afternoon??\0 |
892 | Is it clean in other dimensions?\0 |
893 | Is it FUN to be a MIDGET?\0 |
894 | Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop |
895 | in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?\0 |
896 | Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?\0 |
897 | Is the EIGHTIES when they had ART DECO and GERALD McBOING-BOING lunch |
898 | boxes??\0 |
899 | Is there something I should be DOING with a GLAZED DONUT??\0 |
900 | Is this "BIKINI BEACH"?\0 |
901 | Is this "BOOZE"?\0 |
902 | Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?\0 |
903 | Is this ANYWHERE, USA?\0 |
904 | Is this BOISE??\0 |
905 | Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?\0 |
906 | Is this my STOP??\0 |
907 | Is this TERMINAL fun?\0 |
908 | Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also |
909 | makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?\0 |
910 | Is this where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for |
911 | FREE??\0 |
912 | Isn't this my STOP?!\0 |
913 | It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!\0 |
914 | It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages |
915 | from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!\0 |
916 | It's 74 degrees, 12 minutes NORTH, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes EAST!! |
917 | Soon, it will be TUESDAY!!\0 |
918 | It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?\0 |
919 | It's hard being an ARTIST!!\0 |
920 | It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!\0 |
921 | It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were |
922 | an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your |
923 | WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!\0 |
924 | It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.\0 |
925 | ...It's REAL ROUND.. And it's got a POINTY PART right in the MIDDLE!! |
926 | The shape is SMOOTH.. ..And COLD.. It feels very COMFORTABLE on my |
927 | CHEEK.. I'm getting EMOTIONAL..\0 |
928 | It's so OBVIOUS!!\0 |
929 | It's strange, but I'm only TRULY ALIVE when I'm covered in POLKA DOTS |
930 | and TACO SAUCE...\0 |
931 | It's the land of DONNY AND MARIE as promised in TV GUIDE!\0 |
932 | It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!\0 |
933 | It's today's SPECIAL!\0 |
934 | JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach |
935 | their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...\0 |
936 | Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..\0 |
937 | Join the PLUMBER'S UNION!!\0 |
938 | ...Just enough time to do my LIBERACE impression...\0 |
939 | Just imagine you're entering a state-of-the-art CAR WASH!!\0 |
940 | Just to have MORE FUN, I'll pretend I am JAMES CAGNEY and I am having |
941 | a tense, UP-TIGHT EXPERIENCE!!\0 |
942 | KARL MALDEN'S NOSE just won an ACADEMY AWARD!!\0 |
943 | Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE'' |
944 | can be carried too FAR!\0 |
945 | Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, |
946 | PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!\0 |
947 | Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine |
948 | is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!\0 |
949 | LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!\0 |
950 | Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you.. |
951 | I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE.. |
952 | I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...\0 |
953 | Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...\0 |
954 | Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!\0 |
955 | Let's climb to the TOP of that MOUNTAIN and think about STRIP MINING!!\0 |
956 | Let's go to CHURCH!\0 |
957 | Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!\0 |
958 | LIFE is a never-ending INFORMERCIAL!\0 |
959 | Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!\0 |
960 | Life is selling REVOLUTIONARY HAIR PRODUCTS!\0 |
961 | .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST |
962 | here in DUSSELDORF!!\0 |
963 | Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!\0 |
964 | Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS... |
965 | or a HIGHBALL??...\0 |
966 | Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!\0 |
967 | Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!\0 |
968 | Look!! Karl Malden!\0 |
969 | LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and |
970 | ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!\0 |
971 | LOOK!!! I'm WALKING in my SLEEP again!!\0 |
972 | LOU GRANT froze my ASSETS!!\0 |
973 | Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!\0 |
974 | Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP |
975 | in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!\0 |
976 | Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--\0 |
977 | MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!\0 |
978 | MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!\0 |
979 | Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed |
980 | with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm |
981 | about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG |
982 | soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see.. |
983 | Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS |
984 | fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded |
985 | animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! |
986 | For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS |
987 | on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!\0 |
988 | Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production |
989 | of the INDONESIAN archipelago?\0 |
990 | My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!\0 |
991 | My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless |
992 | DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!\0 |
993 | My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE |
994 | in upstate New York!!\0 |
995 | My DIGITAL WATCH has an automatic SNOOZE FEATURE!!\0 |
996 | My EARS are GONE!!\0 |
997 | My ELBOW is a remote FRENCH OUTPOST!!\0 |
998 | My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!\0 |
999 | My FAVORITE group is "QUESTION MARK & THE MYSTERIANS"...\0 |
1000 | My forehead feels like a PACKAGE of moist CRANBERRIES in a remote |
1001 | FRENCH OUTPOST!!\0 |
1002 | My haircut is totally traditional!\0 |
1003 | MY income is ALL disposable!\0 |
1004 | My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..\0 |
1005 | My LIBRARY CARD expired...\0 |
1006 | My life is a patio of fun!\0 |
1007 | My mind is a potato field...\0 |
1008 | My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....\0 |
1009 | My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...\0 |
1010 | .. my NOSE is NUMB!\0 |
1011 | .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through |
1012 | a Long Island Bowling Alley!!\0 |
1013 | My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!\0 |
1014 | My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!\0 |
1015 | My TOYOTA is built like a ... BAGEL with CREAM CHEESE!!\0 |
1016 | My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!\0 |
1017 | .. My vaseline is RUNNING...\0 |
1018 | NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!\0 |
1019 | NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! |
1020 | They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED |
1021 | They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES... |
1022 | They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS... |
1023 | Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...\0 |
1024 | NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!\0 |
1025 | Nice decor!\0 |
1026 | Not enough people play SKEE-BALL.. They're always thinking about |
1027 | COCAINE or and ALIEN BEINGS!!\0 |
1028 | NOT fucking!! Also not a PACKAGE of LOOSE-LEAF PAPER!!\0 |
1029 | Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''... |
1030 | and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!\0 |
1031 | NOW do I get to blow out the CANDLES??\0 |
1032 | Now I am depressed...\0 |
1033 | Now I can join WEIGHT WATCHERS!\0 |
1034 | Now I need a suntan, a tennis lesson, Annette Funicello and two dozen |
1035 | Day-Glo orange paper jumpsuits!!\0 |
1036 | .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes |
1037 | JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!\0 |
1038 | Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!\0 |
1039 | Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP |
1040 | with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!\0 |
1041 | Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward |
1042 | the end of World War II!\0 |
1043 | Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round |
1044 | wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS |
1045 | and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..\0 |
1046 | Now I'm telling MISS PIGGY about MONEY MARKET FUNDS!\0 |
1047 | .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..\0 |
1048 | Now KEN is having a MENTAL CRISIS beacuse his "R.V." PAYMENTS are |
1049 | OVER-DUE!!\0 |
1050 | Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the |
1051 | SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!\0 |
1052 | Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!\0 |
1053 | Now that we're in LOVE, you can BUY this GOLDFISH for a 48% DISCOUNT.\0 |
1054 | Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS |
1055 | and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!\0 |
1056 | NOW, I'm supposed to SCRAMBLE two, and HOLD th' MAYO!!\0 |
1057 | NOW, I'm taking the NEXT FLIGHT to ACAPULCO so I can write POEMS about |
1058 | BROKEN GUITAR STRINGS and sensuous PRE-TEENS!!\0 |
1059 | Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!\0 |
1060 | Now, my ENTIRE LIFE is flashing before my EYES as I park my DODGE |
1061 | DART in your EXXON service area for a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!\0 |
1062 | O.K.! Speak with a PHILADELPHIA ACCENT!! Send out for CHINESE FOOD!! |
1063 | Hop a JET!\0 |
1064 | Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --\0 |
1065 | Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!\0 |
1066 | Oh, FISH sticks, CHEEZ WHIZ, GIN fizz, SHOW BIZ!!\0 |
1067 | Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??\0 |
1068 | OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, |
1069 | FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!\0 |
1070 | Okay, BARBRA STREISAND, I recognize you now!! Also EFREM ZIMBALIST, |
1071 | JUNIOR!! And BEAUMONT NEWHALL!! Everybody into th' BATHROOM!\0 |
1072 | Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE |
1073 | HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..\0 |
1074 | OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O |
1075 | and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if |
1076 | it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the |
1077 | WASHING MACHINES?\0 |
1078 | On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and |
1079 | watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!\0 |
1080 | On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL |
1081 | QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD |
1082 | if only we let it!!\0 |
1083 | On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never |
1084 | without a POINT.\0 |
1085 | .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family |
1086 | of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their |
1087 | PROPERTY VALUES!!\0 |
1088 | Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning, |
1089 | FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment... |
1090 | Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP.. |
1091 | It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!! |
1092 | We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS, |
1093 | MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!\0 |
1094 | .. One FISHWICH coming up!!\0 |
1095 | ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection |
1096 | to the downtown PLASMA CENTER.. |
1097 | TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''.. |
1098 | THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!\0 |
1099 | .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me |
1100 | in MIAMI last Tuesday?\0 |
1101 | Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY |
1102 | at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN.. |
1103 | and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...\0 |
1104 | .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..\0 |
1105 | OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE |
1106 | and BEYOND REPAIR!!\0 |
1107 | PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?\0 |
1108 | Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE |
1109 | with your BOOTH!\0 |
1110 | PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.\0 |
1111 | ...PENGUINS are floating by...\0 |
1112 | PIZZA!!\0 |
1113 | Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS |
1114 | in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!\0 |
1115 | Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!\0 |
1116 | Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!\0 |
1117 | PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!\0 |
1118 | Put FIVE DOZEN red GIRDLES in each CIRCULAR OPENING!!\0 |
1119 | Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!\0 |
1120 | QUIET!! I'm being CREATIVE!! Is it GREAT yet? It's s'posed to |
1121 | SMOKEY THE BEAR...\0 |
1122 | RELATIVES!!\0 |
1123 | RELAX!! ... This is gonna be a HEALING EXPERIENCE!! Besides, |
1124 | I work for DING DONGS!\0 |
1125 | Remember, if you try to ESCAPE, many APARTMENT HOPPING ALCOHOLICS will |
1126 | SIMONIZE your HALLWAYS!! This is your LAST WARNING!!\0 |
1127 | Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available |
1128 | ONLY by prescription!!\0 |
1129 | RHAPSODY in Glue!\0 |
1130 | SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright |
1131 | blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild |
1132 | soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!\0 |
1133 | Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, |
1134 | San Francisco, CA 94140, USA\0 |
1135 | SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS |
1136 | into empty OIL DRUMS..\0 |
1137 | Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?\0 |
1138 | .. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today -- |
1139 | or have a VASECTOMY??\0 |
1140 | Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK |
1141 | hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?\0 |
1142 | Sign my PETITION.\0 |
1143 | So this is what it feels like to be potato salad\0 |
1144 | .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into |
1145 | HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks |
1146 | will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!\0 |
1147 | .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN\0 |
1148 | Someone is DROOLING on my collar!!\0 |
1149 | Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!\0 |
1150 | Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!\0 |
1151 | Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up |
1152 | a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!\0 |
1153 | Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing |
1154 | ``Leave it to Beaver''!\0 |
1155 | Sorry, wrong ZIP CODE!!\0 |
1156 | Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?\0 |
1157 | TAILFINS!! ...click...\0 |
1158 | Talking Pinhead Blues: |
1159 | Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on |
1160 | channel TWENTY-SIX!! |
1161 | Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS |
1162 | has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) |
1163 | My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER |
1164 | HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf) |
1165 | So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me |
1166 | upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)\0 |
1167 | TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the |
1168 | ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!\0 |
1169 | TATTOOED MIDGETS are using ALFREDO in their SALAMI FACTORY!\0 |
1170 | Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me |
1171 | to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!\0 |
1172 | Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL\0 |
1173 | Th' PINK SOCK... soaking... soaking... soaking... |
1174 | Th' PINK SOCK... washing... washing... washing... |
1175 | Th' PINK SOCK... rinsing... rinsing... rinsing...\0 |
1176 | Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!\0 |
1177 | That's a decision that can only be made between you & SY SPERLING!!\0 |
1178 | The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth |
1179 | the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!\0 |
1180 | The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- |
1181 | and have since BIRTH!!\0 |
1182 | The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading |
1183 | down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!\0 |
1184 | The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...\0 |
1185 | .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA |
1186 | is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!\0 |
1187 | The Korean War must have been fun.\0 |
1188 | "THE LITTLE PINK FLESH SISTERS," I saw them at th' FLUORESCENT BULB |
1189 | MAKERS CONVENTION...\0 |
1190 | The LOGARITHM of an ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is TUESDAY WELD!!\0 |
1191 | .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!\0 |
1192 | The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!\0 |
1193 | The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!\0 |
1194 | The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! |
1195 | But they went to MARS around 1953!!\0 |
1196 | The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..\0 |
1197 | ..The TENSION mounts as I MASSAGE your RIGHT ANKLE according to |
1198 | ancient Tibetan ACCOUNTING PROCEDURES..are you NEUROTIC yet??\0 |
1199 | Then, it's off to RED CHINA!!\0 |
1200 | There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS |
1201 | in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!\0 |
1202 | There's a lot of BIG MONEY in MISERY if you have an AGENT!!\0 |
1203 | There's a SALE on STRETCH SOCKS down at the "7-11"!!\0 |
1204 | There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!\0 |
1205 | These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!\0 |
1206 | They collapsed.... like nuns in the street... |
1207 | they had no teen appeal!\0 |
1208 | They don't hire PERSONAL PINHEADS, Mr. Toad!\0 |
1209 | This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!\0 |
1210 | This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!\0 |
1211 | This is my WILLIAM BENDIX memorial CORNER where I worship William |
1212 | Bendix like a GOD!!\0 |
1213 | This is PLEASANT!\0 |
1214 | This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully |
1215 | pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!\0 |
1216 | .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!\0 |
1217 | This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!\0 |
1218 | This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!\0 |
1219 | This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE |
1220 | is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..\0 |
1221 | Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, |
1222 | my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!\0 |
1223 | Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a... |
1224 | feeling for the aesthetic modules --\0 |
1225 | Three attractive BANK ROBBERS are discussing RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES and |
1226 | MAKE-UP TECHNIQUE with them!!\0 |
1227 | Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of |
1228 | TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!\0 |
1229 | Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES... |
1230 | Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! |
1231 | I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.\0 |
1232 | TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??\0 |
1233 | Two LITTLE black dots and one BIG black dot...nice 'n' FLUFFY!!\0 |
1234 | Two with FLUFFO, hold th' BEETS..side of SOYETTES!\0 |
1235 | Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader |
1236 | frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?\0 |
1237 | Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!\0 |
1238 | UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's'' |
1239 | by mistake!!!\0 |
1240 | UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S |
1241 | having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.\0 |
1242 | Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!\0 |
1243 | UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!\0 |
1244 | ...Um...Um...\0 |
1245 | Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!\0 |
1246 | Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and |
1247 | TAX-DEFERRED!\0 |
1248 | ..Wait 'til those ITALIAN TEENAGERS get back to their HONDAS & |
1249 | discover them to be FILLED to the BRIM with MAZOLA!!\0 |
1250 | Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??\0 |
1251 | Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!\0 |
1252 | We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...\0 |
1253 | We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --\0 |
1254 | We just joined the civil hair patrol!\0 |
1255 | We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. |
1256 | 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!\0 |
1257 | Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. |
1258 | I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. |
1259 | I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!\0 |
1260 | Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to |
1261 | VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!\0 |
1262 | Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the |
1263 | LADIES ROOM...\0 |
1264 | Well, I'm on the right planet---everyone looks like me!!!\0 |
1265 | Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of |
1266 | EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!\0 |
1267 | Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?\0 |
1268 | What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!\0 |
1269 | What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?\0 |
1270 | What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...\0 |
1271 | What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?\0 |
1272 | What PROGRAM are they watching?\0 |
1273 | What UNIVERSE is this, please??\0 |
1274 | What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?\0 |
1275 | When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP |
1276 | or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..\0 |
1277 | When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..\0 |
1278 | When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?\0 |
1279 | When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue |
1280 | CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE |
1281 | COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!\0 |
1282 | Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?\0 |
1283 | Where does it go when you flush?\0 |
1284 | Where's my SOCIAL WORKER?\0 |
1285 | Where's SANDY DUNCAN?\0 |
1286 | Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??\0 |
1287 | Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!\0 |
1288 | While I'm in LEVITTOWN I thought I'd like to see the NUCLEAR FAMILY!!\0 |
1289 | While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, |
1290 | Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!\0 |
1291 | While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S |
1292 | bank account.. This will have the same effect as |
1293 | two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!\0 |
1294 | WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!\0 |
1295 | Who wants some OYSTERS with SEN-SEN an' COOL WHIP?\0 |
1296 | WHOA!! I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE right NOW!!\0 |
1297 | WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must |
1298 | be the NEGATIVE IONS!!\0 |
1299 | Why am I in this ROOM in DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA?\0 |
1300 | Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??\0 |
1301 | WHY are we missing KOJAK?\0 |
1302 | Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? |
1303 | Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?\0 |
1304 | Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?\0 |
1305 | Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your |
1306 | HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??\0 |
1307 | Why was I BORN?\0 |
1308 | Will it improve my CASH FLOW?\0 |
1309 | Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?\0 |
1310 | Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?\0 |
1311 | With this weapon I can expose fictional characters and bring about |
1312 | sweeping reforms!!\0 |
1313 | With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..\0 |
1314 | World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced |
1315 | dress code!\0 |
1316 | Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!\0 |
1317 | Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''\0 |
1318 | Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather |
1319 | at an IRON MAIDEN concert?\0 |
1320 | Yes, Private DOBERMAN!!\0 |
1321 | You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!\0 |
1322 | You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR |
1323 | th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?\0 |
1324 | You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?\0 |
1325 | You must be a CUB SCOUT!! Have you made your MONEY-DROP today??\0 |
1326 | YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!\0 |
1327 | You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide |
1328 | on a NEW CAREER!!\0 |
1329 | You were s'posed to laugh!\0 |
1330 | YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little |
1331 | VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!\0 |
1332 | YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!!\0 |
1333 | Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --\0 |
1334 | Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!\0 |
1335 | Yow!\0 |
1336 | Yow! Am I cleansed yet?!\0 |
1337 | Yow! Am I having fun yet?\0 |
1338 | Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?\0 |
1339 | Yow! Am I JOGGING yet??\0 |
1340 | Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!\0 |
1341 | Yow! Are we in the perfect mood?\0 |
1342 | Yow! Are we laid back yet?\0 |
1343 | Yow! Are we wet yet?\0 |
1344 | Yow! Are you the self-frying president?\0 |
1345 | Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??\0 |
1346 | YOW! I can see 1987!! PRESIDENT FORD is doing the REMAKE of "PAGAN |
1347 | LOVE SONG"...he's playing ESTHER WILLIAMS!!\0 |
1348 | Yow! I forgot my PAIL!!\0 |
1349 | Yow! I just went below the poverty line!\0 |
1350 | Yow! I like my new DENTIST...\0 |
1351 | Yow! I threw up on my window!\0 |
1352 | Yow! I want my nose in lights!\0 |
1353 | Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!\0 |
1354 | Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos |
1355 | alone in a steel mill!\0 |
1356 | Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!\0 |
1357 | Yow! I'm out of work...I could go into shock absorbers...or SCUBA |
1358 | GEAR!!\0 |
1359 | Yow! I'm UNEMPLOYED!\0 |
1360 | Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?\0 |
1361 | Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??\0 |
1362 | Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!\0 |
1363 | Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!\0 |
1364 | Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--\0 |
1365 | Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL |
1366 | when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!\0 |
1367 | Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!\0 |
1368 | Yow! STYROFOAM..\0 |
1369 | Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!\0 |
1370 | Yow! We're going to a new disco!\0 |
1371 | YOW!!\0 |
1372 | Yow!! "Janitor trapped in sewer uses ESP to find decayed burger"!!\0 |
1373 | YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!\0 |
1374 | YOW!! I am having FUN!!\0 |
1375 | YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!\0 |
1376 | Yow!! It's LIBERACE and TUESDAY WELD!! High on a HILL... driving a |
1377 | LITTLE CAR... I wanna be in that LITTLE CAR, too!! I wanna drive off |
1378 | with LIBBY and TUESDAY!\0 |
1379 | YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY |
1380 | and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!\0 |
1381 | YOW!! Now I'm playing with my HOLOGRAPHIC ATOMIC SIMULATION LASER |
1382 | pinball machine!! WORLD PEACE is in the BALANCE!!\0 |
1383 | Yow!! That's a GOOD IDEA!! Eating a whole FIELD of COUGH MEDICINE |
1384 | should make you feel MUCH BETTER!!\0 |
1385 | YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!\0 |
1386 | YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!\0 |
1387 | YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth |
1388 | of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild |
1389 | SEX WEEKEND!\0 |
1390 | YOW!!! I am having fun!!!\0 |
1391 | YUGGA-HUGGA-BUGGA-TUGGA!! HEY-HEY!! A TRAIN STATION!! No, a POST |
1392 | OFFICE!! An OCEAN LINER!! No, I think it's a CAFETERIA!!!\0 |
1393 | Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...\0 |
1394 | YOWEOT |
1395 | |
1396 | } |
1397 | |
1398 | __END__ |
1399 | |
1400 | |
1401 | The cucumber has left the salad. |
1402 | I can see the gun of Navarone. |
1403 | Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. |
1404 | You've got Windows on your laptop. |
1405 | Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. |
1406 | Your soldier ain't so unknown now. |
1407 | Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. |
1408 | You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. |
1409 | Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... |
1410 | Your pod bay door is open, Hal. |
1411 | Little Elvis has LEFT the building! |
1412 | Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. |
1413 | Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! |
1414 | The Buick is not all the way in the garage. |
1415 | Dr. Kimble has escaped! |
1416 | You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." |
1417 | Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... |
1418 | You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. |
1419 | I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?" |
1420 | |